fake golds! brand new. heavens.

i hate fake golds.

no, not what paul wall has in his fucking mouth all the time.

it's what douche bag record execs do in between figuring out how to write off an 8-ball in the "digital age" and sucking off whatever shitty band they just signed.

just got the press release for the red jumpsuit apparatus being certified gold.

"NEW YORK – Virgin Records rock quintet THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS’ debut album DON’T YOU FAKE IT has been certified gold by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) for U.S. sales exceeding a half-million copies, the label announced today."

i hate this so much. RJA has sold 251,279. im sure tramposch and flom needed another plaque on their wall before christmas, so they rushed it through. c'mon guys. just because it will be gold in another 5 months, does not mean it is gold now. (they are selling about 15K a week.)

come to think of it, virgin did this shit last year too. kt tunstall was "certified gold" when she barely broke 200K. stop cheating!


brand new's record just came out and sold around 70K first week. after the "rock drop" next week, it will sell another 25K or so. then down to about 5K. then down to nothing. love the band....but hope you guys had fun being on a major label. my guess? they break up, jesse starts a "dance rock" band, tours with young love and head automatica and puts out a record on IDJ.


oh! speaking of "dance rock," what the hell is skiba doing?! hey bro, no one wants a record of alkaline trio demos with a casio beat behind it. i know every punk rocker thinks they are edgy by using a drum machine, but 4 years ago called and they want their shitty idea back. matty, if you are gonna do this, at least hire a real producer to make some cool sounding shit. (ala postal service.) if i see one more asshat talking about how great the heavens record is, i might just shat the bed and lay there in it.


finally...i just imaged searched the term "skiba" and for some reason, this pic was on the 3rd page, so i am going with it. where did my girl go????

Chester has a stalker

If I was going to stalk a member of Linkin Park, I think it would be the guitarist Brad.  I love bearded midgets that dress like the breakdancer kids from high school.  However, I guess Brad is not the overwhelming answer to this question.  CNN is reporting that some computer geek bitch hacked into Chester's cell phone info and called and threatened his wife.  Gotta love the crazy, stalker chicks.  You can read more about the story here.

Knowing the chances were 100% that said stalker would have a MySpace page, I jumped on to see look her up.  (I love that anyone who shoots up a school, stalks a celeb or does any other crazy shit always has a MySpace page.)  Ironically enough her current name is 'Concert Goer'.  Awesome.

Well, here's what she looks like:

Go here to read all about her and to find out that she is the single parent of a little boy.  That kids going to grow up to be TOTALLY normal.  On her page she says, "many describe me as a computer nerd. i am constantly searching for new gadgets to obtain and soaking up the never ending knowledge out there."  Apparently 'searching for new gadgets to obtain and soaking up the never ending knowledge out there' actually means 'using my work computer to hack into singers cell accounts and stealing their pictures and numbers.'

Can we all just take a second and thank all the crazy people in the world?  How would we spend our rainy mornings at work without them?

- Black -

Good bands go to China, shitty bands sign to Drive-Thru

- 30 Seconds to Mars premiered their new video for 'From Yesterday'. First off, shit is 16 minutes long. I actually sat through the whole thing banging my head on my desk watching Leto's dramatic over-acting. Listen up dude, we all know you're an actor and that you were in Fight Club and shit, but PLEASE save it for the silver screen. Short-film/concept videos are cool every once in a while (not talking to you Fall Out Boy), but it gets old watching you deliver a line followed by a cut to your brother who just stares at you for 5 seconds. Your band is good and your live show is legit, but you already did the short-film theme thing with 'The Kill'. If we're going to have to deal with one of these every time you release a single I'm going to have to start reminding people you were in 'Alexander'.
Here's a clip from the 'Making the Video' on MTV. See if you can hear the part where Jared says, "This was my idea and it's the most mind-blowing thing you'll ever experience. If I could suck my own dick, you know I would."

EDIT: So the 'Making of the Video' was too long to embed, but you can still watch it here.
Here's a little teaser for the video from MTV.




- Universal Music Group is suing MySpace for copyright infringement. For those of you lacking the legal-ease to understand what that means, Universal is suing MySpace for the free promotion of their songs and videos. Besides MySpace, they're also eyeing lawsuits against MTV for the Ashlee Simpson show, the kid down the street with the Fall Out Boy bumper sticker and Godsmack. What does Godsmack have to do with all this? Well, they just suck ass and Universal can't believe they've actually spent money releasing their records.

- Speaking of Universal, Brand New's record comes out tomorrow. Go pick it up. I've listened to it a handful of times and I'm not hearing a 'Sic Transit', 'Quiet Things' or 'Jude Law' but overall it's solid. Be warned though, this album is much more mellow than Deja Entendu, but there's no doubt it's Brand New and it's still worth picking up.
This just in, Universal has filed suit against me for telling people to go buy the new Brand New record. Shit.

- Finally, as if it wasn't completely obvious that Drive-Thru hasn't signed a good band in 37 years, they've decided to run a contest along with mtvU to GIVE AWAY a record deal. The winning band or artist will get an EP and video deal from Drive-Thru and will have your video premiered on mtvU. Go here to enter now, you could be the next Steel Train!!!!!

That's it for now. See you in the pit. I'll be the one laughing at you and your fucking dumbass buddies re-enacting the crane from Karate Kid.

- Black -

Go pick up your cash!!! (Our cut is 10%)

Long time no talk!! We promise to start updating this more, it's just been super crazy around here with the release of the new +44 record. Chainsaw and I were contracted by Travis to send out press releases making sure everyone knows he can play drums with only one arm. He wants to make sure that EVERYONE knows. Did you see his ass on Letterman holding his splinted wrist up in the air? Yeah, that was part of the plan. I hate to rat him out, but he is paying us in spray-painted Stars and Straps shirts. Not too fired up on that.

But that's not the point of this post. Apparently a lot of you people have unclaimed money and shit just floating around. Well, Chainsaw and I thought it our duty to make you aware that you (and lots of other famous people like you) have money waiting. (Tom, Fatty, Fred, Lemmy, go pick up your shit and pay us.)

Tom Delonge - $211.60

Dustin Kensrue (Singer of Thrice)- $62.34
Apparently dude used to work at In-N-Out. Don't blame him, that shit's grub.

Travis Barker - $56.73
Speaking of awesome jobs, Travis worked at K-Mart. Knowing how much everyone is all over this guys nuts, I expect this to start a wave of 15 year-old kids with mohawks applying at K-Mart.

Fat Mike (aka Mike Burkett) - $469.28
I'm pretty sure this is Fatty, but I'm not totally convinced. You're telling me this guy's just going to leave money lying around, even if it's only $400? That's a lot of matza.

Greg Graffin - $616.00

Tupac Shakur - $243.00
He's got a few. So this explains how he's paying the bills without every leaving the house.

Rick Rubin - 450 shares of stock

Wade Youman (ex-drummer of Unwritten Law) - $214.96
Something tells me he could use this right about now.

Ian 'Lemmy' Kilmister - $287.22

John Feldman (singer of Goldfinger) - $63.35

Death Row Records - $1,178.08
We're going to waive our 10% on this one. (You're welcome Suge.)

Epitaph Records - $100.00

Metallica - $94.72
I think I hear Lars running out to his car as we speak.....

Fred Durst - $818.00

Henry Rollins - $1,149.46
I'm really hoping this is royalties for 'The Chase'.

Rob Zombie - $248.45
I actually searched for a guy named Robert Zombie and he came up. Awesome.

Mark McGrath - $1000.00

Jennifer Love Hewitt - $299.40
I heard these are all of the royalties for her last album.

Adam Sandler - $241.07

Jack Bauer - $35.70
Insurance claims checks? $35? After everything Jack has done for us?!?! Thanks GW.

Michael McDermott - $613.95
Looks like Mikey McD had to put in some time at the GAP after a night with KGB. Depressing.

Bruce Wayne - $320.42
Even Batman has to go to the doctor.

Black - $295.00
It's true, even I have money sitting around. Drinks are on me.


Here's the link to the Controller's site where we got all of this: http://scoweb.sco.ca.gov/UCP/

Now go waste a few hours. You're welcome.

- Black -

ataris sign/mj is not crazy, i swear!

hi there -
just a quick post now and we have a big one planned for later on today. trust me, it will be awesome.

so, the ataris signed to sanctuary records. they were on columbia and sold about 600K in the US, and that aint gonna cut it for big bad sony/bmg. also, the word is that the record they delivered back was a steaming pile of shit, so columbia said "nah, brah, its cool, you can take the record to a shitty indie." hence the sanctuary signing. looks like they will be on tour soon with iron maiden, europe, motorhead or widespread panic soon. good lord i wish i was joking.




also, michael jackson was performing at the world music awards and got spooked by all the kids following him on stage. (probably because they were over 12 years old! zing!) anyway, check out the clip of homeboy stopping the song and bouncing the fuck out. the best part? he was scheduled to come back and do thriller. instead, he left and had chris brown to it. damn it mike! i just want one moonwalk. throw a brotha a bone!



thats about it. check back in a few for the killer post from blackie.

tuna! are you kidding me?? (and britney's boobs.)

my god i love this show. i give NBC about 13 seconds before they get this off youtube, but in the mean time, check this shit.



also, britney and kevin broke up. i am sure this is the first time you are hearing this. i have nothing to add...so...



thats all i got for now.

chainsaw.

Van Halen, Thrice, Rancid and POLITICS!!!!

First off, I'd like to make sure that all of the law enforcement agents who routinely read our stuff(special shoutout to the Miami PD, apparently they love us) are aware that Chainsaw's picture of the 9 year old singer of Paramore was his idea and his alone. I did not approve of his decision to post that and I don't condone objectifying underage singers in such a way. Besides, everyone knows that JoJo is WAY hotter.
Moving on......

- Van Halen is going out on the road but due to issues (which I'm sure didn't involve Eddie's ego) between Eddie and whoever the guy is that played bass, they didn't have a bassist. Luckily, Eddie was able to scrape up a replacement in no time......HIS 15 YEAR-OLD SON. This is Wolfie, short for Wolfgang.




Awesome. A 15 year old kid out on the road playing in his Dad's GIGANTIC rock band. Wolfie's TOTALLY not going to be fucked up in 10, sorry 3, years. The good news is that it looks like he's been sticking to the salami tray in the green room instead of the nose candy. Give him time.....

- Thrice is currently in their home studio working on a 4-EP album that will be named after the 4 elements: Earth, Water, Wind and Fire. The songs on each EP will reflect their respective element. You can read their studio journal here.

- In an effort to improve their street cred, Rancid has made a slight change to their lineup. Their old drummer, Brett Reed, has left and is being replaced by none other than Brandon Steineckert, ex-drummer of The Used. Nice call on that one Timmy. It's a good thing you've never worked with Pink or hung out with Good Charlotte and Kelly Osbourne or you'd have a lot of kids wearing safety pins on their clothes writing 'Fuck Tim' in white-out on their sleeveless jean jackets.

Finally, in honor of tomorrow's elections, here's a little commercial featuring some local Arizona musicians (Jimmy Eat World, Gin Blossoms, Cursive, etc.) campaigning for Harry Mitchell. This is pure genius. If some dude from the Gin Blossoms asking you about the genocide in Darfur and a fat guy in an Avail hat can't convince you to vote for this guy, nothing will.

That's it for now. Happy Monday.

- Black -

back from vacation / things that bother me

hey! its mr. chainsaw and i am back from vacation. (and by vacation, i mean doing WAY too much blow and cleaning my house like 17 times.)

wanna hear about some stuff that bothers me?

ok, cool. me too.

borat is the new napoleon dynamite. hey douche bag - when you say "nice" and "i like" you are just about as lame as every asshat that went around saying "gosh" and "heck yes." and i am pretty sure you will still be saying it in 3 years. have fun at comic con.

travis barker can suck my dick. "fuck that dude," is what he had to say about tom delonge. hey travis - if it was not for tom, your ass would still be a goddamn aquabat. do not forget that. we all know you are awesome cuz you have the same tattoo guy as eminem, but shut the fuck up and play drums. if you hate tom so much, feel free to give back your 37 cadillacs and 378 boomboxes. mark can say that, but you cant. go start a band with scott raynor.

i don't give a shit about how many afrockans madonna adopts. let that bitch take as many fly-eyed kids out of there as she wants. 20 bucks says in 13 years that kid is going to be banging the shit out of suri cruise.

there is a warrant out for snoop's arrest. he has an album coming out on nov 21st. you do the math. the album is called "the blue carpet treatment." get it? blue! because he is a crip! bro, you just turned 37 and have a retarded house in pomona. it has been a long time since you were a rollin 20. (that is some lbc gangsta shit right there. i am so down.) oh yeah, you are also responsible for every 42 year old white guy saying "forshizzle." time to hang it up snoop.

the band HIM is releasing a bside record on universal. but they are signed to sire. i hate label bullshit. anyway, this album is a whole mess of remixs and acoustic (shitty) versions of a bunch of old HIM songs. nothing from the most recent record and the only song i recognize is a remix of "join me." this is pretty much for bam only. oh yeah - this band went by HER for a while. no, thats not a joke. before they signed to sire, jimmy pop was going to put out a US version of razorblade but he didnt have the legal power to get the clearance for the name. so some asshole thought it would be good to change the name to HER. thank god goldstone found them and fixed all of that. one more thing....valle cant kick the blow so they canceled their us tour with papa roach and lost prophets. good lord there would have been a lot of guy-liner at that show.

i am going to bed. suck it.

chainsaw.

oh yeah...hot chick time.